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I've looked at Facebook's version of my year in review and have felt hesitant to share it. It falls so short. It includes a great many adventures, smiling friends, and beautiful places but these only capture a portion of my story. Then I saw a beautifully truthful 2014 reflection shared by my friend and it felt real and human. I so appreciate her intention behind sharing the full picture and the importance of being vulnerable in this strange digital land of glossy smiles and FOMO. I hope by sharing my own honest 2014 reflections, you will see that you are not alone in both the joys and the struggles that you face. Because the highs AND the lows are what make us human. Knowing this is what makes me feel connected to everyone on this planet. Knowing this fuels my compassion for even the toughest of souls to love (Stephen Harper comes to mind).
So..here is my truthful account of 2014.
Dear 2014,
You were both the best and worst year of my life.
In your dark early months, you showed me rock bottom in the months of depression that plagued me as I tried to navigate emotional distress and heal myself from the wounds of a trauma I was not yet willing to see in 2013. You also saw me let go of a loving relationship that I was unable to hold on to as I struggled to keep my head above water. You forced me to watch it drift away on the currents and heard me call out its name as I tried in vain to swim toward it.
Then you threw storm after storm at me that I could only face alone. You taught me the power of mourning and letting go and the freedom and stillness that can follow the storm once I learned to accept and ride the waves. Although I had to ultimately face my battles alone, I was supported by so many dear friends and by the best family one could ask for.
When my bike was stolen on my birthday, I was reminded of my own power. My own agency. In that moment, I made a decision to get my happiness back (and my bike!). It was time. I jumped out of that hole like my life depended on it and I was rewarded with gift after gift after gift. First, I got my bike back. Next, I got my Karen back - my enthusiasm for life returned! Only now I was stronger. I saw life through my rose coloured glasses but I also saw all the grief and suffering and I became willing to hold it, respect it, and honour it. This gave me an even deeper love of the life I hold and the people in it. This moment turned things around for me but I couldn't have rushed it. I needed to respect the mourning I had to go through. When the time was right, I was able to take off the dark cloak that had surrounded me and bury it at the bottom of the closet, for another time it might need attention.
2014, you gave me so many gifts! My year was also filled with friendship, camping trips, an amazing birthday, road trips, glacier hikes, festivals, and all the fun! This was my first time to Burning Man. What a gift! Burning Man was a magnified version of my year. It was both the best of times and the hardest of times. My heart and body broke down and I came back stronger than ever. I experienced a new level of self reliance and of community that I integrated into my own life.
One of the greatest gifts I received this year is community. I have been warmly welcomed into a vibrant, inclusive, and supportive community filled with strong individuals who inspire me every day. Not a day goes by that I don't fall asleep filled with gratitude for this community and the individuals who build it. They're for keeps! I love them fiercely and can't believe we just met 5 months ago. Because I see how much everyone does for the community, I am filled with an overwhelming desire to contribute to and support this community as much as I can. We've started Monday Night Supper Club and this regular weekly check-in has been a foundation that I have come to love and look forward to. Thank you 2014!!
I am ending this year feeling strong, resilient, and grounded knowing that I can face life's challenges. I am feeling appreciation for the tough lessons I learned this year and gratitude that I was able to re-build myself after I had been broken down. I am feeling so much love for the people who grace my life. I will be with many of my nearest and dearests as the 'ball' drops on NYE and after I kiss all of them, I'm going to call out with confidence:
"2015, WE GOT THIS!!!"
